From The Onion, all the great stuff that's happened in Elgin

Check it out:

• Brightly Colored Uniforms Boost Employee Morale
• Customer's Attempt To Complain To Manager Thwarted By Employee
• Local Homemaker Fights To Overcome Rubbermaid™ Addiction
• Area Wife Not To Mess With The Stereo Settings
• Conventional Love Affair Breaks None Of The Rules